Mommy vs. Me - One year to find balance or bust!

Hahaha...balance

2011-06-30T17:11:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been well over a year! I'm married, still only have three kids and have just purchased and moved into a new home. Not to mention the business I mentioned about a year ago is booming, I'm taking college courses and becoming more active in my church and with friends...

BALANCE?

What was I thinking?

Balance is like the illusive jack-o-lope. You think it may be real, but you've never seen it, you just hope that it actually exists.

But I'm hopeful that I'll at least remain sane enough to move forward.

Weighs and Measures

2010-06-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

You know, balance has been an illusive critter. Let's think of the Great White Stag for a moment. If you've never read this book, I recommend it. I sat down at the book store the other day reading it and it was beautiful.

Anyway, balance - like the White Stag - seems to be always near, but just out of reach. And it seems that whoever finds the White Stag becomes wise beyond their years or becomes ruler of a kingdom. I imagine that balance is the same way.

Once you find balance, you become wise and can essentially rule the world.

I have yet to find it. But I'm hot on the trail. Things in my life are lining up. Each step I take has been leading me to a new place with more uncertainty but also with more promise of a dream come true.

So while I still strive for the goal of balance or bust, I'm quite positive that the adversities I'm encountering now will empower me for later...so that when balance does come my way, I can appreciate it even more and be wiser for having been through all this CRAP!

You Know You're Okay When...

2010-06-10T07:45:00.000-04:00

A good friend of mine, Tommey, from my first church home, always spoke of her "weird God stories."

Well, since I've become a Christian...I've had my fair share of weird God stories. But now that I've had so many - they're not that weird anymore, more like commonplace occurrences in my life.

Here's an example:

During the course of performing my new "job" I bumped into a very savvy, very accomplished business owner. He liked my style and offered me an opportunity within the first 5 minutes of me walking through his door.

I returned home that day and told the hubby about the offer - which sounded incredible - then continued on my merry way doing my door-to-door sales gig.

Now, for nearly a month I had been trying to get a hold of him

but always seemed to miss him somehow.

Well, the weirdest thing happened the other day (weird to you, but typical for me). I had just walked out of closing a $2,000 deal and I dialed the phone number to the savvy business owner I was just telling you about. I questioned myself afterward on why I would be motivated to do such a thing when I had just made so much money with my current position - well, all I came up with is, it's a God thing.

Anyway on this day, "savvy business owner" was the one who answered the phone. He immediately asked if I could meet up with him and another of his business partners who just-so-happened to be in town. I dropped my appointments for the day and rushed over.

Moral of the Story: It is to God's glory that I met up with Papa Llama and

Jeff just a few days ago and am now the

Head of Sales for the corporation.

Wanted to Share This...

2010-06-06T14:21:00.001-04:00

June 6, 2010

I don't like that I can't write separate posts on these "pages" of mine. But, until I write to Blogger to help me out with that, I'll just have to deal, right?

Kind of like marriage, until we open our mouth and express our feelings, we just have to deal with "it."

Buddy, the Pastor at my church, spoke again about marriage. But he put a crazy spin on it that I hadn't yet come to know about.

Being freshly married, I could totally relate to the sermon today and it touched my heart deeply. Actually, the correlation between our marriage to our spouse and our relationship with Jesus was shocking. I just never knew...

Women, generally, spend thousands of dollars on looking perfect for one day - their wedding day. Here's a list of things that I went overboard on (cost-wise) for my wedding:

*dress

*shoes

*nylons (two pair, since I lost one and had to have my mom buy some the day of the wedding)

*necklace (custom made)

*earrings (also custom made)

*make-up (bought it myself & did it myself)

*hair (did NOT do it myself)

*hair piece

*"girdle"

*bra

My "look" for the day ended up costing me well into four-digit figures.

So, why do we do this? Vanity? I don't think so. Peer-pressure? Not at my age. Cultural stigmas? Probably.

But for me, it was so that I looked beautiful for my soon-to-be husband. I wanted to take his breath away and etch that moment of me, being stunningly beautiful, into his head for the rest of his life. I wanted him to be proud of me and I wanted his heart to swell with happiness that he had picked me.

Now lets Take it from the guys side...a wedding is not such a big deal for them. They rent a tux which, by the way, comes with everything except underwear & a tee-shirt. They sit and drink soda and watch t.v. before the ceremony and all they have to do is stand there and wait. But Buddy informed me today, that even the most macho of men get choked up when they see their bride for the first time. (Yes! Just what I was hoping to hear!)

When the doors part and the bride comes into sight, grown men weep. They really do feel pride. Their hearts really do swell and the love they feel seems to grow exponentially with each step their bride takes.

now: Imagine Jesus as the groom. He's standing, waiting for us to walk down the aisle and when He finally sees us, He sobs and with each step we take closer to Him, He loves us more and more. He's proud of us and He wants nothing more than to have a happy, close, fulfilling relationship with us - but here's the catch:

This relationship has no stipulation "till death us do part."

Nope.

He DIED for us so that we COULD have this relationship with Him, so that we COULD have God on our side. It is not at death that we will part, it is because of His death that we are brought together.

It just amazes me, breaks my heart, overwhelms me with joy and baffles my mind that God is so graceful and generous and loving.

A special thanks to God and Buddy for opening my heart and my mind today that not only did I marry my one true Earthly love, but I have also married my Lord and Saviour and must nurture that relationship just as I would nurture my marriage here on Earth.

Glory to God! All praise and worship, all honor and love to You, Jesus.

AMEN!

Coming Soon - A New Me and Maybe a Book For You!

2010-06-03T21:51:00.001-04:00

Usually I'm the type of girl to buy a box of hair color and have a girlfriend over to chat, drink wine and apply the potion to my head. (Maybe we should drink wine AFTER the potion is applied?) But I've opted to have a professional color my hair tomorrow. Why? Because she gave me a coupon for a free cut & style with any chemical service.

FREE???? Yes please!

But I've realized that it has been nearly a month since I've seen my two best friends. We used to get together once a week to exercise. But then one of them went out of town, then the other one went out of town as soon as she got back and then when they were both home I went and got a full-time job! So....needless to say, we've sort of lost touch.

So how am I supposed to gain balance in my life if I don't have any girlfriends to vent to? How am I supposed to keep my body in shape and keep my sanity if I don't exercise?

Well, I started reading. My dear friend from California sent me a gift card so I purchased several books with it. The latest I've read is by James Patterson, Sundays at Tiffany's. It was absolutely brilliant. I laughed. I cried. I was shocked at the end. It was wonderful and I would LOVE to star in the movie version!

So, what I would like to do is give away a few of these "escape from reality" gems to the ladies who read this blog! Here's how it will work:
1. Tell me what you do to find a little bit of balance in your life.
2. Tell me who you admire and wish to be more like...and why. (It can be anyone.)
3. Share my blog with one person - have them leave me a comment.

That's it! I'll give a book away to the first five people who respond!

In the end...it's balance or bust!

“What I dream of is an art of balance, of purity and serenity devoid of troubling or depressing subject matter - a soothing, calming influence on the mind, rather like a good armchair which provides relaxation from physical fatigue.”
Henri Matisse

So much money, so little time

2010-05-31T17:31:00.002-04:00

I guess I should tell you that my whole reason behind getting a job was not to get away from the kids, although it has turned out to be a blessing in that department (I'll explain better in a moment.)

My ultimate goal in getting a sales job, was to put all my money aside to put a sizable down-payment on a home.

My lack of self-control when it comes to spending is quite remarkable.

While working, I venture into some truly spectacular boutiques, jewelry stores and high-end, big-ticket stores. Today, I took my twins to the puppy store: mostly so they could play & so Leo could get over his fear of puppies and partly to see what was available as a playmate for our current dog, Blue. Well, wouldn't you know it, a beautiful red, freckled Cocker Spaniel was there. We played for 30 minutes with her. My heart broke as I walked out the door, knowing full-well that there was NO WAY my husband would let me spend $799 for a dog. Duh, we prefer pound-puppies anyway - don't we?

AAAAWWWWWWWEEEE!

I also had to walk away from a stunning piece of hand-made jewelry. (As seen here.) The story behind this piece is remarkable..."truly an investment," I tell myself as I walk away, promising the shop owner I would be in tomorrow. Ergh.

Now, if any of you keep up with the weather, you'll know that way back in September, the metro & surrounding areas of Atlanta, Georgia were subjected to heavy, disastrous flooding. Our entire world floated away with the river...yup, and all my clothes too. So, needless to say, I'm without adequate summer clothes! So, I walk into several trendy clothing stores and nearly pass out when I walk out!

The strain and pressure I put on myself to not spend all my money gives me a headache - LITERALLY!

Now, among all those stresses I must say that I come home much more eager to greet my children. I feel more in love with them after having been gone all day and I enjoy each moment a little bit more than I used to.

Balance is proving to be quite an illusive goal. For one day I'll feel like I've reached it and the next day it's as if the world flipped on it's axis and all is wrong again. But yet I move forward in search of it!

My New Hobby...

2010-05-30T09:24:00.000-04:00

Crocheting.

I had to take up something, what with my dear husband and I arguing all the time lately.

'Nuff said.

As Far as I'm Concerned...

2010-05-27T18:33:00.000-04:00

So here's the way I see it...

2010-05-26T20:36:00.000-04:00

How I Feel.

2010-05-25T22:21:00.000-04:00

A Not-So-Up Kind of Day.

2010-05-18T21:05:00.000-04:00

I'm PMSing.

So OF COURSE I had a bad day at sales. I was moody, partially annoyed by my prospects and down on myself so I took a lot of "no's" in the face today.

In my neighborhood some of the kiddos had an argument yesterday, one of the neighbors scolded the kids and the parents of the kids got angry. One mom tried to vent to me and I simply ignored her: Basically bobbed my head and said, "mmm hmmm" every once in a while.

Then my kids started throwing food across the kitchen at dinner time and...I lost it. I sent them immediately to the bath, washed them, dressed them and sent them to bed without dinner.

I mean, sheesh! As if it isn't enough that my body feels like crap, but I have to have all these nutso mood swings and try to deal with drama from all sides!

I think "plug n' chug" may come in handy here. Maybe I should look for solutions to my PMS!

I also had a great training call tonight for my job. Stupid stuff that I should know and apply as a salesperson, but that I tend to miss because of a comfort zone I've slipped into.

Today's lesson: GET OVER IT! Each moment is temporary and it's worth it to make it good or get over it and make the next moment better!

As My Algebra Teacher Used to Say - "Plug n' Chug."

2010-05-17T20:58:00.000-04:00

I hated algebra class. I was utterly lost nearly 85% of the time, therefore consulting with the smarter people around me 75% of the time and getting into trouble 70% of the time for talking. It sucked.

But her clever little verbology for entering numbers and working through the problem has stuck with me nearly 20 years. It basically means, enter a solution and work through it. If that solution doesn't work, input another. It's a fantastic recipe that takes failure, wraps it up in a devious disguise and pushes you on toward victory.

Discipline has been my algebraic equation for about, oh, the last five months. I don't know what to do with my kids! I'm a spanking Mama. Not afraid to admit that. But I'm also a time-out Mama, take-away-the-nice-stuff Mama, I'm even a try-to-talk-some-sense-into-an-irrational-4-year-old Mama. Some of these methods work some of the time. None of them work all of the time.

I find myself in the position of the "little engine that could." I keep plugging and chugging, repeating to myself, "I think I can (get this kid to behave), I think I can (calm this fit before it gets ugly), I think I can (get out of the store before my head explodes)."

So, thank you Miss Galbraith for leaving me with at least one bit of knowledge from algebra.

In the spirit of parenthood and in the pursuit of balance - I will continue plugging and chugging.

Sorry about the delay...

2010-05-13T14:14:00.000-04:00

I'm just posting quickly to let everyone know that I will be officially back by tomorrow. I had a family emergency that took me up to Michigan this past weekend and have started working my sales position full-time. So, I'll relax tonight to catch up a bit then resume my regularly scheduled blogs tomorrow.

Thanks for your patience! Anyone have any epiphanies while I was away?

Herding the cattle! Wait, that came out wrong...FREE BOOK GIVEAWAY!

2010-05-02T21:04:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I'm doing a "follower's drive." Kinda like a PBS telethon, but way different. Okay, nothing like a telethon (because I'm not asking for donations - although if you feel so inclined...)

I'm looking for followers.
I want lots and lots of followers.

For one thing: I would like to feel important.
For another thing: I want to meet more incredible women like me.
For a third: I'm in desperate need of help and can use all the advice anyone can throw at me!

So here's the deal...
I'm reading this great book right now:

YOU can win a free copy of this book if you suggest my page to more friends than anyone else...and they follow me (kinda the point of this whole thing).

Here's how it will work. (AKA Rules and guidelines for winning:) By any means necessary spread the word about my blog - be creative and take pictures (maybe most creative might win a prize as well!)

When your friends sign on to follow me they need to comment on this post: be sure that they leave me your name in their comment. (It won't count if they don't because I'm not that tech savvy and I don't read minds.)

That's it. The person with the most mentions wins this book FREE. If nothing else, it'll make a great re-gift, but I think you'll enjoy it!

Thanks for spreading the word!

I cut my waffles along the lines. :-}

2010-04-30T08:51:00.000-04:00

I can't help it. I have ALWAYS cut my waffles along the lines. And my pancakes - I don't just start hacking away, I use straight lines to cut those too. I eat M&Ms two at a time, one for each side of my mouth and if I end up with one at the end, I bite it in half. It may sound a little bit OCD, but I've come to realize that I am very detailed when it comes to things that I can control.

I think I've mentioned this book before: Be Joyful (Philippians): Even When Things Go Wrong, You Can Have Joy (The BE Series Commentary). It's a great book for helping people, like me, who are looking for balance, happiness, joy. One of the things I remember (mostly because I taught the lesson) is that people worry about things they have no control over. So I guess it stands to reason, that if you're looking for balance or control, a sensible person would be attentive to the things they can control rather than worry over the things they cannot control.

Stop me if I'm rationalizing...

I've had a REALLY rough last few days. Between being upset with my husband, trying to control my three little boys and being frustrated that I wasn't able to work - I was absolutely out of control. I'm even slightly annoyed today at the prospect of having to wait for my Mom to get here so I can go close some deals...three deals to be exact.

This may sound cheesy, but I promise that it's worked for me and even better than that, it has worked for me every time I've done it: I say a prayer to God, asking for guidance, a lesson, some message that He would have me learn to come closer to Him. Then I open my Bible and read. I always find my answers in there.

I guess I know what I have to do today: take full accountability for the things I can control, let my kids have fun rather than try to keep my thumb on them, be patient and happy when I see my Mom and say a prayer.

*whew* balance or bust!

I saw a shrink last night...

2010-04-27T20:34:00.000-04:00

I saw a shrink last night, or at least my alter-ego's, Booth and Brennan, did. It's a very curious thing how I feel so connected to two characters who obviously have no commonalities. This episode was just after Brennan let her boyfriend leave on a sailboat to the Caribbean. Booth and Brennan were fighting like cats and dogs and so Booth suggested they see his (FBI appointed) shrink. The shrink deduced that both of them felt guilty about it because they thought she stayed behind because of Booth. The shrink said...she didn't. HA!

I don't know if that makes sense...maybe you should watch this episode. And check out the one before it too, so you can have a general picture.

Anywho...I can definitely feel the sexual tension between them. It seems to me that they are attracted to each other because of their polar-opposite views of, well, EVERYTHING.

Isn't it always the case that the grass seems so much more green on the other side? When we're looking from the outside-in, we don't see the weeds or the fire ants or the countless hours of maintenance that goes into that impeccable, golf-course-esque yard. NOPE! All we see are shade trees for napping under and sunny places for frolicking in!

I guess I'm at the point where having a career seems very provocative. But the big "mommy-heart" within me is feeling dreadfully guilty at the thought of hiring a Nanny for the summer. I feel greedy, selfish, materialistic and cold.

But then if I look at it from another point-of-view, I feel like the sacrifices I make now will benefit us in the long run because we will be able to provide more opportunities for the boys. We'll be able to show them what a stable home-life is like and nurture them without the worry of financial crap crashing in around us. I mean, no one wants to be buried in debt! We all WANT to do well for our children and show them how easy it is to be successful.

But at what cost?

There is always a cost. Brennan perhaps lost the only man that was going to accept her as her robotic, socially awkward self. And Booth, well I don't know what the cost is going to be for him. Perhaps his sanity.

I could get much deeper into this, I'm sure. But I need to prepare for Wubulous-Wednesday and, of course, watch some Bones before I go to bed.

Balance (illusive bastard!) or Bust!

Enough with the pleasantries...let's get ugly.

2010-04-26T23:55:00.000-04:00

I felt a deep sense of annoyance at my three children today. Did I mention that they WHINE constantly? I didn't tell you that? WELL!

I know that I'm not-so-hot with the multi-task thing; I get that. But at the same time...there are a few things that I need to do on the computer that need to get done. Things like emailing clients information when I say I'm going to, I can't put that off until the kids go to sleep.

Anyway, the whining: when we all first wake up in the morning, I prepare drinks for them. Now lets just say that I am not as sprite-ly in the morning as June Cleaver would be...which I'm usually not. So as soon as the boys start asking for their drinks, they start screaming and crying and WHINING for their juice - or chocolate milk - or whatever it is I'm making for them. Irritating!

I don't know lately. I think I'm PMSing. I know it may seem like I'm using that as an excuse, but I truly do get some sort of surge of hormones during this time that just makes me crazy! Anyway, I'm totally NOT balanced right now. That's all.

Card-carrying Member of the 30-something Club!

2010-04-26T23:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been derelict in my duties of blog-writer. But with good reason: I had a smashingly-fabulous birthday weekend! Now, my hairdresser has a friend who celebrates her birthday for an entire month...I like to think I'm slightly less selfish than that. All-the-same, it was perfect and lasted three whole days.

FRIDAY: 8:36PM
Arrive at Eclipse di Luna looking highly stylish with a new hair cut, a short dress and my hot Momma beside me. Ande & Rob arrive. Dusty and Chris arrive. Pitcher of coconut Mojitos arrives. Mmmmm. Tapas arrive, we all scarf and enjoy boisterous, witty conversation until about 11:00.

11:45PM
Arrive at Dusty & Chris' humble abode. We drink more Mojitos (after Ande gives Dusty a crash course on creating the devilish concoction.) We add to the repertoire, Jeff. He contributes greatly to the witty banter. Suddenly they all bust out singing "happy birthday" and put a cookie cake in my lap! Mmmmm. We hang out until about 1:00.

SATURDAY: 8:00PM
Arrive at Ande & Rob's house for some card-playing. The kiddos are with us and play whilst we mingle and get to know Cesar and Blandine. Jason arrives and we have a full table and are ready to play. (Well, I took the kids downstairs to go to sleep and ended up missing 50% of the games.) Anyway, Barbara arrives just after I join the table and begin to learn the art and strategy behind Texas Hold 'Em. Who knew that game was so fun?!?!? Anyway, at midnight Ande presented me with a decadent ice cream sundae with a candle and everyone sang "happy birthday" to me. Sweet friends I have, aye?

SUNDAY: 8:00PM
Ande pops in to watch the boys so I can have my FREE birthday dinner at Provino's. I dressed up again and must say that I looked pretty good...for a 25-year-old! I ate until I couldn't walk and we brought home cheesecake with strawberries for the volunteer baby-sitter. My sister also called and sang "happy birthday" on my voice mail.

It was a great weekend. I am so blessed. God really has done some amazing things for me this past year. And the love He has brought to me shined brightly this weekend.

I love you: Tony, Mom, Diego, Leo, Christian, Ande, Dusty, and all my long-distance friends who wished me well on my Facebook page. You are all, always on my heart!

I must be channeling Dr. Temperance Brennan...

2010-04-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, my analytical mind has either become absurdly more acute - OR - my mind is turning to sludge from watching too much Bones and I just think I'm getting smarter.

Who's to tell for sure? But here's one thing I do know. Today compared to yesterday was WAY better.

I mean, I didn't get a single sale (not yet), I must have visited 12 businesses and called two others, my sales contracts didn't get delivered and I missed my first appointment and didn't call to get another one. ("So exactly HOW could today possibly be better than yesterday," you ask.)

Because I had a great day with the kids!

It's simply amazing how at one moment I'm pissed off because I can only spend a few short hours of the day making money and have to spend the rest of the day watching three annoying little kids, and the next moment I'm blissful and feeling all warm and fuzzy because we all had such a great afternoon playing outside with the neighbors.

It makes me question my priorities. I mean, it seems like a funny thing to wonder where family and career stand. Because in my point of view, I need a job to support my family, but I wouldn't need a job if I didn't have a family.

Now don't get me wrong, Tony has been an EXCELLENT provider these last two and a half years. But if we're really going to fulfill our dreams, I need to contribute too.
So here's how I think I made today better: although work was slightly disappointing, I got to do some window shopping and network with some great people. I remembered yesterday's blog post and tried to focus on my kids rather than multi-task.

And that was HUGE.

So I guess I've found one new habit, one that will be difficult to form, but worth while. Instead of multi-tasking I am going to devote 100% of my attention to the things that I am doing, when I am doing them.

Work = 100% Work
Kids = 100% Kids
Tony = 100% Tony
Friends = 100% Friends
Housework = 100% Housework (did I just say that?)

That's it. And since I know it takes a full 28 days to implement and cement a habit, I'm going to make a conscious effort to focus intently on what I am doing, when I am doing it.

I think I'm getting closer to Balance! (or teetering so close to Bust I can't see the edge!)

Let's be fair...Mommy vs. Saleswoman

2010-04-21T20:48:00.000-04:00

I'm going to attempt to break down the pros & cons of each "character" or "player" that I experienced today. This is going to be tough...but we'll see how it goes.

Mommy

Cute moment with Diego today...he said he loves me and is proud of me.
Got furious with the boys when they interrupted me on the phone...kinda blew a gasket.
Spent some quality time outside in the cool, Spring air. We played racecars!
Snuggled with my twins...so soft and squishy!
Missed the boys after being gone three hours.

Saleswoman

Saved some wonderful women mucho money and gave them options to draw more customers.
Had to compete with HORRIBLE schedule conflicts with hubby and babysitter. Very stressful.
Got to do some pre-shopping for the big Saturday event at Peter's Path!
Worked way harder and longer on one sale than I anticipated...let the babysitter down by being late.
Truly enjoyed being in the field, helping small businesses save money.
Liked interacting with other adults.

I don't exactly know where that leaves the score...I was also a wife today...not a very good one with my pouting and fussing about stuff. Ergh. It was a good day and a bad day for both characters. I thought breaking it down might help me to determine where the lack of balance is. I'll have to try harder, sleep on it and recap tomorrow night and see if there are any recurring themes.

That should work, right?

Balance baby! (or Bust.)

Addiction - The Ugly Monster Has Me in It's Grips!

2010-04-20T21:13:00.001-04:00

I'd have to say that I'm generally NOT an easily addicted person...but I've found that shopping is an addiction. So is the television show Bones. And, to be grossly honest, during the Christmas season, I was quite addicted to Coquito. (If you have never tried it, be very, VERY careful...it is decadent, loaded with rum and goes down smooth!)

In my past (pre-Mommy) life, I was not addicted to anything. I greatly enjoyed a lot of things like surfing, running, weight-lifting...kicking the guys' asses that couldn't keep up with me on company runs!!! OORAH!

*ahem*

I enjoyed motorcycle riding, road trips...you know, lots of stuff that I will not do again until my three sons are teenagers or moved out! (At least there is hope!)

Which got me to thinking: why am I so addicted to shopping and Bones? Well, the obvious reason for any shopping addiction is the instant gratification one gets from snagging an on-trend pair of pumps or a stunning new blouse that SCREAMS LOVE ME, TAKE ME HOME! Bagging a beautiful, one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry is an absolutely orgasmic experience and getting a great deal on a wardrobe staple...like the AWESOME black trench I got ($350 price tag - snagged it for $30.) Heaven? Well, for me, that's as close as it comes!

As for my addiction to Bones, I guess it's because the main characters are sort of versions of me...I'm like Dr. Brennan (but shy a few IQ points) in that I am pretty fairly independent, value intelligent conversation and can sometimes be a bit cold. (True confession, don't judge.) I'm like Booth (without the penis and mucho HOT, rippling muscles) in that I'm a people person and totally enjoy connecting and having an emotional response to every moment I experience.

The polarity between the characters is dramatic...yet you can see through watching the series that they compliment each other perfectly. Maybe this whole mommy vs me thing is just another dramatic polarity thing. Opposites attract or whatever...

Anyway, here's to finding Balance...or Bust!

Ad Lib: Why do I do this to myself?

2010-04-19T19:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, received a little bit of static today from the hubby. It isn't really his fault, but his reaction could have been a little more positive.

Ad libitum is Latin for at one's pleasure. Wikipedia also states: "It is a common misconception that "ad lib" stands for "adding liberally".

In my apparent mis-education, I thought that ad lib meant adding liberally. Glad I looked it up. I suppose both definitions, correct or not, pretty much describe my situation. Anyway, the reason I titled the post the way I did was because I took a big step this past week:

I got a j-o-b.

Besides my work-from-home gig, which I currently only do between 9-12 at night anyway, I got a B2B sales job. I'm working with small- to medium-sized businesses which is right up my alley, I hate large corporate department stores (Walmart sucks!) Anyway, the hubby and I discussed and figured, one sale per week would cover the baby-sitter and add a bit of play money into our budget. So, if I sell more, we'll just be even more comfortable than we currently are.

Today was my first day on the job. Without getting into details, I didn't make a sale and had to rush to pick Diego up from school because Tony didn't have a car seat. Oops, minor detail. Well, he cancelled the babysitter so I had to cancel my two appointments this afternoon. And so this is my break-down of the situation at hand:

1. He's frustrated because I didn't make any money today. I'm frustrated because of his obvious lack of faith. 2. He was upset that he had to watch the twins. I was upset because he cancelled the babysitter so I lost several more chances at making a sale.
3. He obviously has reservations about me being anything other than Mommy. I obviously have ambitions beyond raising fine young boys.

Ergh.

Anyway, I don't know why I did this to myself. I knew he would be, well, disagreeable: But to be so pessimistic right out of the gate!?!?!?!?!? Well, that was just uncalled for. But to see it from his point of view, I'm probably being selfish and inconsiderate.

So, on top of every other character I'm playing during this act in my life...I've added another character. Does this make me a more well-rounded actress or just add a TON of confusion? We'll see in the coming weeks.

Here's to Balance...or Bust!

I skipped Sunday school....uh oh!

2010-04-18T11:18:00.000-04:00

Today would have been the day that we completed our study of the book, Be Joyful by Warren Wiersbe. I got to teach two lessons and had the pleasure of sitting in on six others; falling quite short of all 13 lessons. What a great book though. The last lesson I taught was about worry...and what a perfect topic for a mother of three young boys. I could probably list about a hundred things to worry about, even with my sons at the young ages of only four and two.

Did you know that 92% of the things we worry about are either imaginary, out of our control or never really happened. Seriously? Wow. Well, I guess I can confirm that with my own experiences. I used to worry about getting into an accident on the way to work each morning. I used to worry about getting into confrontations with disgruntled customers. I used to worry about a lot of stuff that was both imaginary and completely out of my control.

I've tried not to worry much lately. Of course there are always those weak moments; like when a cop pulls up behind you and you do a 150 point evaluation of your vehicle (tail lights, fog lights, windows, mirrors, stickers, etc.), do you have your seat belt on, are you going over or under the speed limit, are your tags current? do you have a warrant for your arrest, did you pay that last parking ticket, did you take your husbands undercover weapon out of the glove-box? Yeah, I get carried away and let my instinctual fear of authority cause me panic and indigestion for a moment...don't we all?

So, the other day, I called my husband and said, "honey, I taught the boys how to climb trees!" "You did WHAT?" was the reaction from the other end of the phone. Now, I suppose there could be a few different trains of thought on this topic, so allow me to explain my logic:

1. Teach the boys how to climb up, so they are confident in their abilities and know how to do it safely.
2. Teach the boys how to climb down, so they don't get stuck at the top of the tree, panic and fall.
3. Let them fall (maybe a few inches) so that they know how it feels and will be more cautious.
4. Offering instruction on the art of climbing trees will prevent accidents and instill confidence.

You tracking? I know, it's a little far-fetched...but climbing trees is fun and I think my main motivation behind the training was to eliminate worry from the equation. Boys - kids - will find a tree and climb it at some point in their adolescence; I feel like I'm ahead of the curve in showing them the proper and safe way to do so!

Twisted maybe...welcome to my mind!

Not OK.

2010-04-13T21:00:00.001-04:00

This whole weekend has been one of those whirl-wind weekends where everything is super busy and nothing and no one seems to cooperate with my schedule.

After writing the previous post about NOT PMSing, the very next day I switched gears into Mucho PMS gear. Then to top it all off my twins both have acid diarrhea that has practically eaten away at the soft little epidermis on their cute little tooshies. My four-year-old is acting like a teenager and the only thing that seems to be going right is my sex life & the house-keeping.

Balance? Huh! Seems like when one thing is good the other things fall to shit. Then they flip-flop and reverse and play a confusing game of musical chairs: where there is only one chair and one winner...everyone else loses.

But, I am persisting, reading my book, searching - nay, scouring the internet for articles and books about parenting, being a good wife, 30-minute meals, time-management...

If you have ANY book suggestions, let me know! I'd love to hear what has helped you in the past!

Balance (a myth?) or Bust!

I must NOT be PMS-ing...

2010-04-13T20:54:00.001-04:00

Everything right now seems a little too magical, fun, inspiring and easy. It's like the universe is spinning right around me...I'm obviously NOT PMS-ing.

So I told you in my last post that I have read The Best Year of Your Life: Dream It, Plan It, Live It once before. I pretty much read it upon the recommendation of my friend. I found it interesting, inspiring and informational, but it didn't give me enough to really start acting...you know, doing the things that were prescribed for me to do in order to have the best year of my life. But I did gain a lot from the first read.

Last night as I started reading the preface, it all started flooding back to me and It was like every word was an epiphany. Then today I went to church with my husband (long story short: we don't get to go together often) and every word the Pastor said and every song we sang spoke right to my heart and chimed right in with the book.

Without getting long-winded and spoiling the book...I'm just going to say that it was totally "right on" and I can't wait to keep reading.

P.S. This post was actually written like three days ago, but my internet has been down. What the hell is a DNS server anyway and why doesn't it communicate???

My First Reading Assignment

2010-04-09T21:33:00.001-04:00

I have decided to read The Best Year of Your Life, by Debbie Ford...again. I've read it once before and felt like I truly benefited from it. It may be because of this book that I became conscious of the need for balance in my life. I mean, we all WANT balance...but becoming aware of it and then deciding to do something about it, well that's a whole other thing. And then, once you decide to do something about it, knowing where to start or what to do - I'm just glad this book was referred to me by a good friend.

I meant to read it while I was at the park with the boys. But they were all over the place like curly hair on a humid afternoon. I was partially bitter until I remembered our little wrestling match from last night. It was then that I took a deep breath and allowed myself to be a kid again. Instead of being the Mom that is paranoid and precautionary, I became the friend that encourages and participates. And I had fun!

Anyway, now that I've become more aware of my various characters in this so-called life of mine, I've been able to accept them and deal with them, even like them.

So, if you want to read along with me, it'll be fun, like a book club or something. If that doesn't float your boat, it's still a good book, I would recommend it to anyone. Quick and easy, here's the link to Amazon...

Rough and tumble...

2010-04-08T21:01:00.003-04:00

Okay, count "WWF Wrestler" as another of my characters. You can call me the Banshee Babe.

With Daddy off at work these past few nights, I've noticed some major build-up of energy in the boys. We went to the grocery store to get pizza stuff and they were everywhere...behaving nicely, but on the border of crazy.

We got home and the rain had stopped and the sun was shining brightly - they ==took off towards the back yard to climb trees and play race cars! After dinner, I don't know how it all happened exactly, but I found myself at the bottom of a four person stack with a booty in my face, someone tickling my feet and someone else smacking my booty. It was rough and tumble play at it's best.

After that, it just got crazier!

I donned a blanket over my head and when the boys least expected it I tore it off and screamed and chased them! We tackled and tickled and crawled around like crabs on caffeine!

It was....

*sigh*

....just what this tom-boy needed.

As You Like It - William Shakespeare

2010-04-07T15:08:00.005-04:00

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Okay, my whole point with this passage from Shakespeare is this: perhaps I have not LOST myself to "mommyhood." Perhaps I have just found another plane on which to express myself.

I am at home, sans hubby and children. It's just me and the dog. And it's quiet. The only sounds around are the humming refrigerator and my acrylic nails tapping on the keyboard (which, honestly is a very ANNOYING sound if you ask me.)

I went for a lovely run, did some intervals, push-ups, triceps dips, lunges etc. Then I came back home and had a deliciously long warm shower. While I was showering it struck me that I sort of missed the interruptions of little eyes peaking around the curtain to say, "hi Mommy, what doin'?" It felt weird to not have my "Spidey-sense" activated, listening for the tell-tale screams of a brother being pushed, hit or robbed of a toy by another brother.

So where am I? Seriously? I'm here, without my kids, so am I Mommy now? Or am I simply Me? Tony is at work, so am I still Wife?

My conclusion is this...I am none of those, yet still all of them. Right now I am playing a part, acting as "solo mio" (or whatever). When I pick my kids up from their cousin's house, I'll lace up my Mommy boots and play that part. When Tony gets home I will pull on my Wife costume and play that part.

As for finding balance between all these parts that I'm playing, I have yet to find it. However, I think that realizing that I am always Me, just sometimes wearing a different hat, was a big step towards finding balance.

What parts do you play? How often do you find yourself changing roles? Which character do you enjoy playing?

Let me know!

Here's to it...Balance or Bust!

Smile, the wrinkles are worth it.

2010-04-05T21:07:00.003-04:00

My friend from Sunday school gave me some lovely Dove chocolates. And I guess it's this new thing that Dove is doing by putting quotes on the inside of the wrapper. Wisdom from chocolate, great, now I'm even more motivated to eat it!

So the wisdom from my melt-in-your-mouth milk chocolate was, "smile, the wrinkles are worth it."

Well, all I have to say is Dermalogica: multivitamin power firm. I have laughed to fill my quota and guess what - I'm fighting tooth and nail to keep those wrinkles from showing off my jovial life! I would much rather tell some funny stories around the fireplace than look like this.

I'm a fan of Dermalogica...you should be too!

And that is from ME...and Mommy. We both want to look fabulous with age!

Balance or Bust!

Day Three & Four - Oops, missed a day.

2010-04-05T17:18:00.005-04:00

Day Three (in a nutshell)
Well, Easter Sunday was uneventful, except that I found my domesticated self taking great pride in preparing a yummy meal of grilled ribeye steaks and lobster tails, asparagus, dinner rolls and yellow cake with strawberry filling and chocolate frosting. It was an absolutely decadent meal with so many flavors melding and mixing and cha-cha-cha-ing that it was hard to not feel giddy and prideful.

My mother was over to celebrate with us. She's here at least one day a week and truly takes the burden off of being a Mommy. While she's here I get to talk about adult things; of course the conversation is always interspersed with exclamations like, "do NOT run with a LOLLIPOP in your mouth!" or sometimes, "use your words! I can't understand what you want if you whine." But at least it isn't all toddler talk.

Day Four
Today my husband went back to work. He's changing up his duties, for like the third time this year, and along with the duty-change comes a schedule change. So now he is off to work at 2:00 and back around 11:00. Here's how I feel about this:

1. I'm happy he will be gone at night so I can get some work done.
2. I'm pissed that I get bath-time all to myself again.
3. I'm pissed that I have to cook, feed the kids and clean it all up by myself.
4. I'm sad because I will have to fall asleep without him by my side.

He had this schedule while we lived in our other home and I survived. Actually, it was a total pain in my ass when he was home. It was like he threw a monkey wrench in the mix and I couldn't get anything done.

So my mixed emotions lead me to Google "how to be a good wife." I figure that being a good Mommy coincides with being a good Wifey which coincides with being a good Me. Right?

Anyway here is some advice from a woman in India:

"In India the qualities of a good wife or eight noble virtues an ideal wife should have are summed up in the verse from Neethisaram.

"Karyeshu Dasi, Karaneshu Manthri; Bhojeshu Mata, Shayaneshu Rambha, Roopeshu lakshmi, Kshamayeshu Dharitri, Satkarma Nari, Kuladharma Pathni".

She added a numbered list of 12 things instead of eight...so my advice to you, if you really want to know how to be a good wife in India - Look it up!

Something else I found which cracked me up:

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

"Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift..."

It keeps going on. Blah, blah, blah... Am I really supposed to be "a little gay?"

And finally, good ol' reliable WikiHow:

1. Be secure in yourself.
2. Express your feelings and needs, Except in the rare event that your husband happens to be psychic, don't expect mind-reading powers.
3. Don't expect the moon.
4. Pick your battles.
5. Offer sex frequently...
6. Keep your sex life interesting.
7. Accept him.
8. Manage stress.

Guess tomorrow I'll Google "how to be a good mommy."

Day Two - Some Me Time to Start the Day

2010-04-03T10:19:00.003-04:00

Well, I got a nice jog in this morning with the girls. But not without a bunch of static from the hubby.

So not only am I fighting with my kids to get some me-time, I'm fighting with my husband too. Ergh! Does being a woman always have to be such a struggle? Why can't going for a jog be a simple thing?

A little background: Tony and I have only been married for like two weeks. Before we got married, I simply had to tell him I would be back in an hour...never had to tell him who, what, where, when or why. All of a sudden, my first morning back on the track and he says, "You didn't even ask me!" WHAT? ASK you? I never had to ask before...such crap.

Anyway, regardless of the emotional ramifications of taking this last hour to run with my two best friends, I feel physically AWESOME! My body has been longing to hit the trail and the high I'm on right now shall not be spoiled by a rotten husband. (Yeah, it's not even the kids whining today...it's the big kid, Tony!)

Off to take a shower!

Balance or Bust!

Day One - Today I'm in love with my children

2010-04-02T12:28:00.000-04:00

I had an epiphany today. My girlfriends and I are constantly struggling with our identities. Are we "Mommy," are we "wifey," are we who we think we are or who we want to be?

For me the struggle began in 2006; I felt as though I was merely a milkmaid for my first born son. He nursed so often that I could hardly eat enough to keep my energy up! On the plus side - I lost my baby weight very quickly, but I also ended up resenting him for "taking away" my previous identity.

Then came my twins in 2007. They were born nine weeks prematurely. I dove right in to that circumstance and lost myself in the drama of a long hospital stay, pumping around the clock to provide milk for them and balancing my home life so that my oldest son did not feel left out.

Now, the twins are 27 months old and my oldest is four years old. It is still a struggle to be a good mommy and not have selfish, "I have lost myself and I want to run away" moments.

My girlfriends and I struggle with this daily and talk about it often. So I am making it my year-long obsession to attempt to find the balance between being Mommy (and a damn good one at that) and being Me (and a damn good one too!)